dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
