I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
