I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
