why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
