The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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