what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
