Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
