Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
