he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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