He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Let's get the cat blown out
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
