Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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