We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
