Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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