separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My dick has a subreddit
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
