Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
