I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
