His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
