pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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