I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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