We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
