I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
