Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
