just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
