R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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