I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
