I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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