Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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