it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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