and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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