Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
