yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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