At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
How does one acquire holy water?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
