I'm so fucking centered right now
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
