THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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