You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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