My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
