I can't watch pbs sober anymore
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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