K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
