tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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