and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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