Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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