I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
