The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
