I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
