I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
