I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
