I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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