Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
