i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
