got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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