we have pet lesbian snakes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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