he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
