a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
