it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
This is the high leading the old right now
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How does one acquire holy water?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
