there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
